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Drubi
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Name: Drew
Gender: Male
Interests: Learning more and more about the guitar. I'm teaching myself, so it'll be a long time before I know what I'm actually doing. Being the friend of which you've always wanted, but sometimes that isn't enough and thats not necessarily your fault. I enjoy the social gatherings and all. Movies, hack, chilling, all of it. Nothing matters so long as you're with the ones who mean most.
Expertise: Guitar. It seems I'm already a natural at it. Drawing, web design, writing, creating interesting, simple riffs. Me and dan have now played our song all the way through... mostly... :D
Occupation: Manufacturing/production
Industry: Manufacturing
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TheDamagedOneEx
MSN: Drubster@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  Jagid2005@yahoo.com
Member Since:
9/15/2003
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| Yeah, I don't update this anymore.
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| I am
confused about a lot of things in life right now. I'm also irratated
with a few things as well. I'm happy with many things that have been
going on this year, and I'm also sad with a few things.
I'm
confused as to why some days I wake up and feel completely depressed
and think of all that is negative in my life and really focus on it
(no, I was not on any depressants like alcohol at those times). Am I
have panic attacks? Are these the results of this last year? Has last
year taken its toll on me? I don't understand why all of a sudden I
just get put into a bad mood. I've noticed even the smallest of things
eat at me and place me in a not so fun mood.
I'm irratated with
ungrateful people. I've been doing good things for people and all I get
is a basic hidden message of "It's not good enough, you still suck".
It's as if the bad always outweighs the good in life. What's with
people these days? Why can't some people wake up, observe, and see all
the things a person does for that person? I've noticed my friends being
taken advantage of, I've been taken advantage of and I force myself to
stop and have pity on those who suck the good out of a person. Us
"good" people will only remain good for so long. Everyone has their
limit before we break and then that wonderful happy good thing we once
had is hidden because people abuse it...
I'm happy and excited
to be getting a house sometime this year, and it's hard to wait for it.
It's going to be the best thing that's happened to me financially and
comfortably in this last decade. I'm excited to hear how people want to
move in with me. Well, it seems like they want to. They may need to and
pass it up as want to me, but hopefully I can stay positive and think
they want to move in because they like me enough to want to be around
me.
I'm happy for the new friendships that I've found. I'm sad
that they ended before they could blossom into a "best friend"
relationship, or even that possible "intimate" relationship. I'm happy
to feel like some people actually do want me around. I'm sad for those
who don't care. I'm grateful for those who call me simply to say hi,
and even happier-ly (I know, bare with it) grateful that they call and
ask to do something. My apartment is welcome to all my friends. I've
told them countless times you don't need me to call you to come over.
If you want to do something, I'm ALWAYS up for it so long as I'm not
working. My apartment is yours. I'm irritated with people saying "Well
you never call me to invite me over" Well, touche. You don't either.
AND I've also said what I just said about your welcomeness to my home.
Wake up people.
I'm sad for people. People miss out on so many
great things in life and don't realize how special their friends can
be. Friends. It's a powerful meaning. I once thought I had no ambition,
but ambition comes in many forms. My ambition is to be with my friends,
family, and loved ones. To make better our relationships and experience
life together. Life... Life is more important than money. Yes, money
has a certain value in this world, but why must it rule it? Why must
the world be forced to think that if you don't go to college, you're
stupid? Why must the world be forced to think that if you don't make a
lot of money in your career and own a huge house you're a failure?
I'm
angry with the world, I pity people, and I wish people would rise up
and wake their minds to the real purpose in life. I believe life and
people are worth living, and so I sit and wait until more people notice
this.
Extra stuff: (02.15.08)--I'm
also getting sick of not being noticed for anything good I do. That's
kind of sad isn't it? I shouldn't have to be noticed for what good I do
for someone. I really shouldn't want to be. However, at the same time,
I get NOTHING back from anyone that I do good for. I see how some
people are praised online in their little display thingy, and get
commented on on a blog of some sort, or even tell me how great that
person was to them. I don't believe I'm ever recognized. It's kind of
frusterating. Mostly because I shouldn't feel that I need to be
recognized, but also that I'm not. Confusing huh?
| | |
| Alright, so I'm getting pretty pissed
off at my own dreams now. Lately, as in this past month, my mind
decided to taunt me with dreams of Cassy. These dreams, well, my
dreams, always make them seem so Goddamn real that I wake up crying and
feel just shitty afterwords. These dreams, or I should prolly say
nightmares, are powerful enough to make me depressed all over again
about Cassy. It's as bad as seeing her now. I would be doing fine if it
weren't for my fucking nightmares.
Each
one consists of me seeing her doing things that cut me down, such as
making out with someone. Or another would be with her new man and him
taunting me going "Haha, you lose sucker" Or I'd desperately scream out
to her "Why won't you take me back? Was I not important to you? WHY?!"
It's freaking ridiculous!
Not only that, they are giving me
thoughts of "Maybe I should call her?" and I keep convincing myself not
to because I know it'll hurt me. Do I need to hear her voice? Do I need
to see her? I don't know. I'm stopping myself from doing such things,
but I continue living with it like it were nicoteine (spelling sucks)
in my system.
Maybe a rant about her will help?
She's
convinced me of a lot of horrible things. She convinced me she never
really loved me, and that I was never important to her. She's expressed
this through her actions. I thought to myself, if I was so fucking
important, wouldn't she speak to me before jumping to rash conclusions
devised by her friends? Wouldn't she want to do things with me rather
than spend her life on the internet, and then wonder why the fuck I'm
hanging with other people other than her? Wouldn't she fucking take me
back after admiting to me she's torn between two worlds of "Should I
take Luke, or Drew?" You'd think that spending 5 years of life with her
would be important to her, but spending 5 months with Luke was far more
important. Or, maybe it's because I really do suck and she never had
the balls to step up and tell me? You know, I'm also convinced our
breakup coulda been avoided had she spent time with me instead of the
computer. The only thing that "Kayla Incident" occured was because she
ignored me and loved the computer. So you know what? I fucking looked
for attention elsewhere. I was like, "Fine, fuck you too then. You
don't wanna love me, I'll find someone else who is willing to enjoy
life with me." And so she uses it against me as a grudge, but it's her
fucking fault for choosing her friends over me. Her California friends.
They apparently were more important to me as well. I guess typing to
people rather than speaking and holding them is more of enjoyment to
them. Maybe I was just a sex toy when she was in the mood, and that's
it?
Because of Cassy, I've lost all trust for nearly everyone.
Zach also helped with this. The two of them together have only proven
to me that no matter how much trust you put into someone, they always
find ways to make you feel like the inner pile of elephant droppings.
How could someone do so much to a person and yet I still love them?
Does our history of good out weigh all the bad? What is it that keeps
getting me so depressed over her? Well, right now my fucking
nightmares, but beyond that. What are they telling me? Why can't I just
let it all fucking go!? I so wish I had the Equilibrium pill...
I
can't control my nightmares. Why does it do this? It's pissing me off
beyond belief and beyond that, it's making me depressed. Cassy is
fucking gone, I know this, why can't my mind agree and just let it be?
FUCK! | | |
| I just realized that everyone I know is going to be out of town or busy
when it comes to New Years. That kinda blows. Turns out I'm going to
have another dissapointing one this year. Last year Zach and Kayla came
over, which was decent enuogh. Kayla cleaned a bit of my apartment,
which I'm thankful for, while Zach hacked and coughed from the cat.
I
was hoping that this New Years I could be with a bunch of my friends
and enjoy a few drinks and celebrate, but I've hoped that for a few
years now and nothing ever seems to come up. I'd have people here, but
I've already had one party complaint so I'm not going to overdo that.
It seems like not many really invite me to anything either. I can't
remeber the year before this last one... I don't know why. My memory is
failing me, I'm hoping that it wasn't a good one cuz then I'd just be
pissed that I didn't remember it.
So yeah, that's my current
thoughts tonight. Basically not being invited to much and spending New
Years not quite the way I'd like to. Maybe I'll go to a bar and enjoy a
few drinks and the atmosphere. Seeing people with friends and some
family makes me feel good, but envious. Maybe I'll bug my mom on New
Years this year. Who knows. | | |
| WARNING: Long blog.
Everything
that seems to build up to something good always seems to blow up in my
face, and come crumbling down lately. I don't get it, or understand why
either. Is there such a thing known as karma that's saying "You can't
have any good things last, JACKASS"
For
instance, this weekend on friday night, I went to some bars and had a
great time. I finally let loose 100% and was myself for once and I felt
incredibly happy. However, yesterday I had a conversation with someone
who was there last night. This conversation was surprising. Oh, this is
about a girl in case you get lost. Anyway, the conversation went
horrible and I discovered things that just suck. I thought I was a bit
more special to her. However, she does that same "thing" with a lot of
guys apparantly... so no special feelings there. She also said that I
seem to make her cry, make her feel used, and make her feel like she
isn't wanted around. The only thing I really discovered out of that
conversation that was somewhat good was that I think I did have
feelings for her, but was to afraid to express it. For one... why? For
two, how am I so confusing?
Some
months ago I was working up the courage to tell someone I had some
stronger feelings for her. (Notice how I'm leaving names out so I don't
gross the person who reads this out, or make them feel bad because this
is private info... kinda...) She's beautiful, she's funny, she enjoys
my company, it's fun to be around her, and I love the conversations we
have. But here's how the story first goes. This person was going to
leave town and move away, and so if anything did happen between us, it
was eminent doom. If not, I didn't want to be the person to keep them
from leaving or holding them back from their career goals, so I kept
silent. I don't like being the person to hold anyone back, I just don't
feel like I'm worth it. I eventually was convinced by family, friends,
and myself that I might as well give it a try. Maybe something grand
will become of us. SO, I plan a very enjoyable evening that involved
Go-karts and dinner at Granite City. Sounds like a great time eh? BAM,
she is to busy to join me along. This came out of nowhere too. I said
"Okay, we can do it another time, hopefully soon." A couple weeks goes
by and I find out why she became busy. She got a boyfriend just days
before I was about to confess my feelings. SNAP. Yeah, sucky. I can't
express enough how horribly my hopes were crushed and everything else.
It's just not such a great feeling, especially when you're CONVINCED
there was something between us.
I
gave someone some money because they needed groceries. Yes, I gave
someone money.... Yes I know, I GAVE SOMEONE MONEY. I do that. Money
isn't my number one priority, especially if I can spare some. Friends
are my priority. So I give them the money and I give them the option to
repay or not. They said they would. They even set a date, and I was
like, cool. Mind you, this is a person I trusted. Anyway, the date
arrives and I ask for the money. I get some ATTITUDE. I get a "Is this
how you treated Cari when you gave her money?" I was like, "Whoa, what
the fuck is this shit? I give you money and you think that gives you
the right to be a bitch to me? Fuck that and fuck you." Well, it was
less violent than that. I was thinking... Ok... you're pissed at me for
asking for my money... when I GAVE you the the option to pay me or not,
when you CHOSE to pay me back... YOU chose the date, and you get pissed
at me? No... I'm not mad about not getting the money, I'm mad at the
fact that you got pissed at me for no real good reason. I gave you
money, you aren't showing any appreciation and you're being very
unreasonable. I gave you full control of the situation and you've only
shown your bitchiness and unreliablilty. Wow, and this person wonders
why no one thinks this person is reliable... sad...
I
don't know what it is about me that things keep getting worse... Am I
asking to be bitch slapped? Am I in the wrong? Why is this happening to
me? It gets even worse here people.
I've
been having tormenting nightmares involving Cassy. Shortly after, she
ordered a pizza from my work and I had to deliver it. Seeing her was
incredibly hard on me. I was slightly freaking out after I saw her. I
can't handle seeing her apparantly. I kept the meeting brief. She asked
how I am. I nearly said "Fucking horrible, thanks for ordering and
making it harder on me. Seeing you makes me depressed. You should know
this!" Or something stupid and angrily depressing like that. Don't
worry, I bit my tongue, and gave her the total, the order, and walked
off without saying anything else. I heard he say "Bye" She got no reply
from me. Ever since that night, I've been asking myself "why in the
fuck do you order from my store when you know I work there and know
it's hard on me?" Is she trying to make me depressed? She can't simply
order from another pizza place like pizza patrol? Does she truly not
give a flying fuck about my position? Does she not realize me seeing
her with her new and better life without me makes me feel dead inside?
Yes, I am content in my life, when I don't have to be around something
that meant so dear to me become this... meh, you get the idea. But
seriously, why would someone stoop to such levels. I can't believe how
she could do that. It's so not cool.
I
don't know what else to type in here. I had more in my head, but I
quickly forget it. This is a hell of a lot longer than I planned it to
be... But this is the new shit that has been swelling in my head.
Thoughts anyone? | | |
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